yesterday my best friend and i were sitting in church, writing notes back and forth, and then she starts going off on me for liking jon walker so much. so, she's making me give him up. today, i deleted all my pictures of him. tomorrow, i'll probably stop following him on twitter. and so on.

last night, i didn't sleep.
i cried.
i cut.
i screamed.
i sobbed.
i shook.
i threw up.

i am fucking pathetic.

i told her i can't lose him, because i need him.
she named all the people that care about me.
when i told her that none of those people were him though, no one could make me smile like he does,
she screamed shut up at me.

i am so scared for my life right now.
i just want to be dead.

i've been thinking about this lately, as i'm reading 'looking for alaska' by john green, in which the lead character knows lots of last words of people. i don't know what i want my last words to be, exactly. whenever i was suicidal, i always would say, "tell him i love him," at any notes i left, but i really and truly don't know now. something that will get me remembered, perhaps. words are one of my favorite things ever, they are my life, so my last words are definitely important.

i wonder what mr. kats' last words were.

fever/joncer/500-/PG-13
You look at me, you say, "you're a fever I can't sweat out," and you kiss me hard.

( swing the focus. )

it's been a year.
a whole god damn year.
everything i've lived for the past year is in this one post.

it's our story.
beware lots of stupidity.

i really really really want to write (or finish writing) a few different stories.
like, the apocalypse fic i've been working on that no one knew about.
the homeless!ross fic that i was supposed to finish months ago.
the teacher/student rywalk chaptered fic that i used to lovelovelove writing for.
and inspired by a dream i had last night, some joncer porn.

today, i am going to a preacher's house to show his wife some of me and rachel's slash.
they are the most gangster people on the entire fucking earth.

besides jon walker.

i'd rather be with a fake him than the real you,
because the real you is one big fake,
and the fake him may just be real.

Title: The Hardest Part of This is Leaving You
Author: scandalous_xx
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Jon/Brendon.
POV: First -Brendon's in some places, and third in the rest.
Summary: None of this was supposed to happen. But it did. And it got him Brendon and no matter how much he missed his strength, happiness, and beauty, none of that compared to what Brendon gave him. Love.
Word Count: 2200-
Disclaimer: Jon Walker does not have cancer. He is not dead. I do not own these boys, or the lyrics in the title, those belong to My Chemical Romance. Not even close to real.
Beta: My friend, Rachel.
Author Notes: I wrote this earlier, based on something I've written months ago and two songs - Cancer by MCR and Thank You Note by Butch Walker. It was raining, I was bored and inspired, plus my internet kept cutting out, so this is what came out of it. It's sad, but I like it. I'd love if you commented. (:

( it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. )

there are some things i cannot just make myself understand,
no matter how much i really need to.

I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL 2010, WHAT ARE YOU MAD?

i need this album, right nowww.

even when it's as fake as this, she still gets the attention she wants,
and no one even acknowledges that he said he was fucking in love with me,
wanted to have a family with me,
was going to fix every single problem i had,
and made everything seem so real.

it just amazes me when 'he' came along,
she was suddenly 'in love' with him,
and said she had been forever.

well what about me?
she seemed to forget that she's 'in love' with me,
and five other fucking people.

he would never hurt me like this,
that's why i want him over you.
but i love you too much to let you go.
and he would never love me. ever.

so why don't i just give up?

/end rant.

this is a trick question for me. the most memorable concert i've ever attended was the honda civic tour with panic at the disco on april 26th, 2008, it was the first time i ever saw them live and it was just...amazing. i can't even begin to tell you how happy it made me. but on november 4th, 2008, i went to the rock band live tour with PATD and got to meet them. it was the best day of my life. but, the overall concert was way too short and just not as memorable as honda civic tour, mostly because i had just met my heroes and couldn't concentrate on anything. jon walker smiled at me! but, yeah. concerts i've also really really really enjoyed were, avril lavigne/butch walker in october 2004. and i dunno if it counts, but the whole little hot topic thing earlier this year with the cab and the academy is... i pretty much love every concert i go to though, lmao.

Title: Sorry Never Cuts It
Author: scandalous_xx
Rating: Hard R.
Pairing: Jon/Ryan with past Brendon/Ryan
POV: Third.
Summary: The first time it happens is a week after 'Change' comes out.
Warnings: Rape, abuse, etc.
Disclaimer: None of this is true and if you got to this page by googling yourself, leave, right now.
Beta: reminds_mexx , also known as my buddy, Rachel<3
Author Notes: So, I feel kind of sick for writing this, but I was inspired one day and just wrote it all out. Jon is evil in this and Ryan is hurting. It kind of tells a story of Ryan realizing who his real friends are and what mistakes he made and where they got him. Kind of sad. ):

 

 

 

 i think i may have finally lost my mind.

 shit. i'm fat.

Title: Sleeping Alone Never Works for Spencer.
Author: scandalous_xx
Rating: PG-13 for minor swearing.
Pairing: Jon/Spencer.
POV: Third.
Summary: Spencer's lonely while Jon's in Chicago.
Word Count: 500-
Disclaimer: None of this is true, I don't own Jon or Spencer, blahblahblah.
Beta: My girlfriend, who doesn't have an lj.
Author Notes: Just a little drabble I wrote during a storm. Contains Spencer in a bad mood and a bit of fluff. Enjoy.

( read on, (: )

"not sure if this is racist but i've noticed that a lot of big black women seem to be attracted to me. Don't get me wrong, it's flattering..."

my heart, jon walker. that's my heart.
you even made my mother choke with laughter because of that one.